How I came to be on this path is a very long story. It had begun almost 2 years ago already, but I didn’t officially become pagan until October of 2010. I started being fully aware of my gifts like starting of June/July 2010. I was starting to listen to my intuition, and I started knowing things that I could not have otherwise known. At work I would sometimes get this strange feeling to put ketchup packets in the bag. So I did. Next thing I knew, the person in the car that I handed the food to asked for Ketchup. Well I had already put it in the bag. Also I noticed that I was hearing whispers around me from time to time that I couldn’t explain. Sometimes I really had felt someone trying to talk to me a few times, but when Id ask for clarification or a repeating of words I would look around nobody was there, or if there were people around, they said they didn’t say anything.
So I thought that was weird. Then I started getting dreams that were strange as well. I had started dreaming what I call astral projection dreams where I would feel I was astral projecting and see things you don’t normally see. In these dreams sometimes spirits would directly come to me, sometimes not. Sometimes Id just be looking around my room or going to different places. Sometimes I’d be at my boyfriends house in the dream. Another feeling I had gotten often was I had started feeling tingly cold sensations when ever there was a spirit touching me. During this time of awareness, I had also realized I had experiences as a child growing up with the spirit world.
What I had experienced is on another blog post, but one experience I did want to share when it comes to dreams is one night I dreamed that a Ghost walked through my door to my room. I forgot all about the dream until weeks or months later when I had that de ja voo feeling and then I remembered the dream I had. I was sitting in the exact same spot as the dream and I was looking at the door as if I was seeing a physical apparition of a ghost but I was not seeing anything. The room got cold that night too, but I ignored it thinking it was just a coincidence or something.
Reflecting back onto those experiences, I had realized I was a medium. After that I started asking questions about my abilities to my church. I had been Christian and grew up Christian. I was confirmed in the Lutheran Church at 16 and knew the 10 commandments and the lords prayer. In college I strayed away from it a little bit but I didn’t know what to believe, and it still didn’t feel right to start searching for another path so in college I was basically stalemate state when it came to religion and spirituality. Then I started becoming aware of my gifts and that is what changed everything for me.
I had questions about mediums, and spiritual gifts that my church couldn’t answer. They said some gifts come from God some came from the Devil. Then when I had asked about my gifts, and told them what I was experiencing, my pastor told me those gifts are called necromancy, and that they are gifts from the Devil. He told me that I needed to go on a spiritual cleanse, and take away everything I liked, including music I liked, Games I liked to play such as Dungeons and dragons. He told me to stop using my gifts. I was just livid. I felt judged and betrayed. However, I never believed a word he said because I knew in my heart I was not evil, and that what he was saying were lies. How can I believe myself to be evil when more often than not, I am more concerned for other people’s well being instead of my own? It’s the reason I studied Psychology in the first place. I started feeling uncomfortable going to church after that. I continued though to keep up appearances, but I felt very disconnected from my spirituality, and from the church. That is when I started seeking a new spiritual path for myself.
I had came across witchcraft in High School, and a few of my friends were pagan. Since I was Christian back then I felt it wasn’t right for me. However, after my experiences with the church, I decided to do some more research on it. I contacted pagan friends I haven’t heard from in years and talked to them about it. They welcomed my questions, and they answered them in a much better way than my pastor did at the church. I researched everything I could get my hands on. For, awhile I even got into Gnostic Christianity for awhile because some Gnosticism’s called themselves Christian Witches or another term is Christo-pagans. I felt maybe it was possible to be a Christian Witch because I was heavily drawn to magic/witchcraft at this point. Which in essence is the case, but I had continued to study how spells were done, and I studied many different spiritual paths such as Wicca, Druidism, and Ancient Egyptian magic, etc. In October 2010 I felt that Paganism and Witchcraft was my new home, and converted. I did my first spell on Samhain/halloween night. The witches new year. However, I realized I believe in a little bit of everything, and found I could not label myself or affiliate myself with a specific religion.
Also from what I experienced in the Christian church, it felt like Worshiping God meant to give up free will. Think about it. God gave free will only to demand you follow him and do everything he says? How is that Free will? We have the freedom to choose our own paths. I don’t believe that my life is predetermined when I am born. It is my choice of how I live my life or even future lives after this life has ended. If he gave it to me as a gift why is it being taken back once you “surrender yourself to God”? Doesn’t make any sense to me. I asked that question once and the pastor was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what to say. Another thing that does not make any sense what so ever is how ‘God’ is supposed to be all merciful and loving, and yet in the old testament he is wrathful and vengeful and seemed to get upset about every little thing. Then some Christians in the church are very judgmental, and condemn people when it is not their job. I literally got sick of the drama in church. It wasn’t worth the emotional strains to get involved with it. That is also a reason why I shied away from the church in High School and College. There was so many things my eyes were opening to once I had thought about it in depth. Especially the whole good vs evil war.
So that is how I came to be Pagan. As for being a medium and having a spiritual path. Well paganism had answered my questions. Paganism accepted me and loved me in the way my pastor and christian friends did not when I had tried telling them about my abilities to get answers. I didn’t know where else to go and I felt my trusted pastor would have given more insight into this. However, he did not. I felt happier that I could finally accept who I was, and who I was meant to be. I felt free like a bird when I realized there were others out there like me. It felt very empowering to do spells. It was basically like taking back my own personal power that I had felt I had lost long time ago. Since then I have taken charge of my life in a way I would have not otherwise. I’ve been able to work on healing myself, and empower myself as a woman and as a human being. It feels empowering when I connected to nature, and meditate within nature, and to connect to the Primal Source or other Gods and Goddess to ask for wisdom, and insight or to give thanks for the gifts they have given me. I know one of my spiritual gifts is I am blessed with unconditional love and acceptance of others. I have much compassion to show the world, and I hope to lead by example someday.